Menopause means the loss of periods.. but I didn’t know I’d stop recognising myself

Does that sound dramatic? Honestly though, it’s exactly how I felt.

I am a 52 year old woman smack bang in the middle of the peri menopause – a title I didn’t even know about until 6 years ago. That sounds bonkers doesn’t it? I’m a woman and you would think, during one of those Biology lessons I had back at school, someone would have mentioned the peri menopause to me – but they didn’t.

Growing up I knew about ‘the change’ all women go through – but for me it only meant the end of the monthly periods, hot flushes and being a bit grumpy. I knew my grandmother used to struggle with hot flushes – probably until the day she died in her 80’s. My mum was the same – days drenched in sweat. But that was really all I knew. No one talked about all the other physical symptoms or the impact it can have on your sense of self.

Biology tells us that peri menopause is the part preparing us for the menopause. During this period, our oestrogen levels start fluctuating like crazy – up and down like a yo-yo. This hormone is so important because it interacts with brain chemicals like serotonin, dopamine, and GABA. I am not a scientist, but I know these chemicals are important because they influence our moods, anxiety, sleep patterns, and emotional regulation. So, if they are not working as normal – it makes sense that we just won’t feel right. These are the brain chemicals working quietly in the background helping us to feel emotionally balanced.

Understanding the biology of this period of life is important. Because it can help to understand the massive changes we go through. But it doesn’t fully capture what it feels like to live through it.

Not everyone will experience peri menopause the same way. Some may not struggle at all; some will have a couple of symptoms and others will tick every symptom box there is. None of these experiences are wrong – it’s just how the change in hormones is affecting you.

Personally, some mornings I wake up and I don’t recognise myself anymore. It’s like everything has shifted – the way I look and the way I feel all feels a bit off. My emotional reactions are different to things that wouldn’t normally bother me. I snap when I would normally laugh and I cry when I wouldn’t have normally noticed. The reactions seeming to come from nowhere. It’s all very unsettling because they just don’t feel like you.

We may find doing things that used to be easy more difficult, and our motivations levels are so low sometimes it feels impossible to get everything done. There is a real sense of overwhelm about life in general. Those normal expectations we have of ourselves are not achievable, so we end up telling ourselves off or being disappointed that we are not the person we thought we were.

Looking in the mirror becomes something to avoid. We know we are getting older so yes there will be wrinkles (of course) but all of a sudden, our bodies are changing shape, and we can’t rely on them the same way we used to. Losing weight feels more difficult, the exercise we normally do feels more difficult because of aching joints. HRT has done wonders for me, but it’s led to side effects I could do without – water retention and sore breasts. I can’t wear my rings anymore and my fat feet won’t fit into the shoes I would love to wear.

All these changes inevitably lead to an impact on our relationships. We might feel more difficult to live with – picking arguments or reacting to every little thing. We can suddenly doubt the love we always took for granted from others.

If we don’t recognise ourselves right now – how are they supposed to?

Sex and intimacy can become a forgotten joy. Lower libido means you just don’t want it anymore or we just don’t feel attractive or confident enough to have sex. Along with that we can feel guilty about the impact it might have on our partner.

It’s a lot, isn’t it? All of these things impacting on our mental health and how we feel every single day.

Grief is often talked about during this stage of life, and I think it’s an accurate description. This isn’t the grief we feel when some one dies more for the grief of what used to be and what isn’t right now. Menopause is a sign we are getting older and we might feel disconnected from our younger self. We grieve for the confidence and certainty we used to have. We can grieve for the relationships we don’t have anymore. We grieve for the woman who felt familiar and confident.

So here we are getting used to all these changes at a time when there are probably other things happening that need our attention. Peri menopause rarely arrives on its own. We might be navigating parenting teenagers, adjusting to an empty nest, or becoming carers for older members of the family. Our careers might feel more stressful or we might be noticing that we need something more in life. Everything can feel like it’s coming all at once and we have no control over anything. It’s no wonder we feel overwhelmed.

None of this is easy to navigate when you are trying to live your normal life. But it is important to recognise that we are going through a massive biological shift and it’s understandable everything will feel up and down during this process.

So, what can we do to help ourselves?

I don’t have a definitive answer because I am trying to work this out myself. But these are some of the things that have helped me:

Seek medical advice. There is help and support out there. Your GP may not be as supportive as you would like them to be but there are now other places you can get some help. There is a fabulous group called The Menopause Support Network – they have a Facebook group and a website with a lot of valuable resources and support. During this time information really is key.

Talk to people. Let your loved ones know what’s happening for you. Share resources with your partner – the more they understand the more support and care you can access. If this isn’t possible open up to other friends – you may be surprised at how many people are in your boat right now

Talking to a counsellor or therapist about your life right now. No this won’t fix the medical symptoms you are feeling but it may help you come to terms with the changes you are experiencing and understand the different emotional reactions you are having. It might help you to encourage a little less critical self talk.

More than anything else right now is a time to be kind to yourself and give yourself as much grace as you can.

One of the biggest challenges of peri menopause isn’t just dealing with the physical symptoms but learning to be kind to ourselves whilst we are going through all these changes. We may not feel ourselves but that doesn’t mean we have gone forever. Sometimes the biggest thing we can give ourselves is patience, compassion and understanding whilst going through one of the biggest changes of our life. You might feel you have lost yourself, but you are still there.